sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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