atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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