Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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