Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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