I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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