Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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