the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
