im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The best revenge is premature balding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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