I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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