I will die if light touches me.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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