The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
