you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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