obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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