where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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