Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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