I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
