He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
