It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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