i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
