I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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