I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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