went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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