I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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