i think my tv is drunk
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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