Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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