I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
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I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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