you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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