Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize