I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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