i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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