i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
