I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
