Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
