The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize