A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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