Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
