My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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