So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?