your parents love me but you hate me
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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