i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
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so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
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I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.