Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future