My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps