i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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