So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
