I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
