Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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