I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
