your parents love me but you hate me
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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