I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
