The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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