Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
