Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
