I'm eating all of the evidence.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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