Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
