I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
