can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
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Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.