the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
