I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
