Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
