our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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