If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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