There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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